No Crisis, Just a Realisation
by Diary
Summary: 2014!Dean and 2014!Cas talk before the suicide mission. Complete. Edited.


Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

* * *

"He asked where my cabin was," Dean finally says, when he realises Cas isn't going to go away.

"Does that surprise you," Cas inquires, sounding half-curious and half-knowing. "He's from '09. He still doesn't truly understand what it meant in the green room."

"Cas-"

"If you say it's time to die, it's time to die. I'm not a soldier, Dean, but I was once. I'd like to live past this. It'd be hard, getting sober, and I don't know if monogamy would ever work for you and I, but I'd like to see what we could be. I'd like that, but I'd also like for what I rebelled for to have a chance at happening. Free will and humans being able to live without fear of demons, angels, and diseases that turn them into literal zombies. That's worth having, even if we can't be the ones to have it."

"I wish I were talking to past you."

"I'd still love you. I don't think I've ever been able to help it. But if you want, I can call you a jackass and yell at you and try to punish you as much as you're punishing yourself."

"Thanks, Cas," he retorts, sarcastically. "That's real comforting."

"Just because I couldn't help loving you, that doesn't mean I couldn't make different choices. It doesn't mean I couldn't do that, now."

Sighing, Dean turns around but can only look at Cas for a few seconds. "But?"

"But if it's time to die, you're going to say a proper goodbye," Cas says, walking over. "You're going to promise me whatever I ask, and you're going to let me look you in the eye when I tell you I love you."

"Cas."

There's nothing but silence.

Then, he takes a shuddering breath and looks up. "Okay." Reaching over, he touches Cas's cheek. "Okay."

Nodding, Cas reaches up and places his hand of Dean's, and leans over, kissing him.

0

"I'm sorry about Risa and Jane."

Cas laughs, softly, rubbing his cheek against Dean's chest. "This is still present you, right? How many orgies have I hosted over the years?"

"How many have you joined in?"

When Cas doesn't answer, Dean says, "I'm not a cheater. I mean- I was a stupid kid, but I got over that. Or I thought I did."

Sighing, Cas props himself up and brings his fingers to Dean's face. "You care about sexual fidelity. That's why I never joined in. I don't, and I meant it when I told you that you could sleep with whomever you wanted, as long as you weren't stupid about it. Which you kind of where with Risa, but you didn't get yourself killed or permanently injured. So, I forgive you. If by some miracle, we live through this, you're probably going to have sex with, at least, one more person that isn't me. And as long as you still make a life with me, as long as your heart's still mine, I'm not going to care."

Dean closes his eyes, and Cas kisses his nose and cheeks, going over to his left ear, and then, his right.

"What promise," he asks, hoarsely.

"Live," Cas says, simply. "I know, you'll be all alone, and it'll suck. It's not fair. But I have to go in thinking that, if you survive, you have a chance. So, if you make it, rebuild, don't destroy yourself, if possible, make a life with someone else. You know, I don't know what'll happen to me after death, but if I can, I'll try to make you, and if I can't, you'll probably have to answer to me eventually."

"You should be promising me that."

Shrugging, he answers, "I'm not the one filled with guilt and self-loathing."

"You mean, you're not the one who has a hope in hell of living," Dean corrects, flatly. "How stoned are you?"

"Sober enough that I just rocked your world," he answers, eliciting a laugh from Dean. "Don't worry. I'll be in good enough shape for the mission."

"Cas," Dean says, his body jerky as if he can't decide to snuggle closer or jerk away, "I'm so sorry."

"I know," Cas says, sadly, his voice soft, finger resuming their tracing of Dean's face. "Right now, it's okay. Just stay here, and do what you need to do. Then, be the fearless, ruthless leader we all need you to be."

Tears fall, and Cas silently wipes them away.

"Cas- should we tell him?"

"Personally, I hope he does what you've always done," Cas answers. "You go against everything. You think you can't or won't, I used to think you couldn't or wouldn't, and then, oh, look, Dean Winchester, this smart-ass human who stabbed me instead of thanking me, has found a way to save the world that God himself demanded destroyed. If things can be changed without you saying yes, I hope he does. We'll be gone, but- If we're still meant to be, let's let us be stupid idiots who hurt each other and go through identify crisis. I'm not sure how knowing would affect him, but if I ever thought you were- with me because you thought it was something you had to do, I wouldn't take it well."

"Well," Dean says, sitting up, "then, this is probably the worst time to tell you, but I've always thought I had to be with you. As soon as I kissed you that night, I realised, 'Crap, I'm in love with him, aren't I?' I thought about running, but there was nowhere to run. So, I just decided I had to be with you, no matter what. No real crisis. Just a realisation."

Rolling his eyes, Cas sits up, too. "Okay, but that's different than, 'My future self got mad at your future self for finding me funny, and it turns out, we were living together, so, if you don't object, what the hell.' That wouldn't make me feel special. You sitting with me when I was bitten, two bullets in your gun- as upsetting as that was, I knew you really needed me. Even with your mission, I was still so important to you."

"Cas, you know I love you," Dean says, desperation tinging his voice.

"I know," he answers, "and I've never asked you to say it."

"Cas, please-"

"Not everything is about you."

Sighing, Dean gets out of bed and gets dressed. Cas does likewise.

"Okay," Dean says, standing tall, trying to close himself off. "Alright."

Cas reaches over and wraps his hand around the back of Dean's neck and looks into hard, green eyes. "I regret a lot of things, but raising you from Perdition, becoming your friend, and continuously rebelling for you aren't part of it. I made those choices willingly, and I'd make them all again. Insanity or something else, it's just how I roll. I'll ride with past you, and I'll try to survive. If I don't, though, it doesn't change the fact that, most of all: I love you, Dean."

His hand twitches, but all Dean says, holding the gaze is, "I promise."

Nodding, Cas leans over and kisses him, lightly chaste.

They part.


End file.
